Stupid Is As Stupid...Well, You Get the Idea

I'm insulted. Everyone should be insulted. Judging from what I've observed around me, it's obvious that we consumers are thought of as a fairly stupid group of people.

Take frozen orange juice. How does frozen orange juice prove my point? The next time you're at the supermarket (or maybe since we're all so "dumb" it should be called the stupidmarket) pick up a can of the stuff and read the directions.

First of all, how difficult can making a pitcher of orange juice be? It pretty simple: drop the frozen lump of stuff into a pitcher, add as much or as little water as you like, stir, and shazam! You got orange juice.

But evidently, the people at the orange juice firm not only think we're so dumb that we need instructions on how to use their product, but they further insult our intelligence by making sure the directions on the can tell us to use COLD water. I don't know, maybe some guy one day said to his wife, "Honey, I think I'll make hot orange juice this morning."

Here's something else for you to think about. You know those little gun-like fire starters, the ones where you pull a trigger and the thing produces a flame? My brother bought one of those (he bought it to light scented candles in the bathroom and in the words of that great American Forrest Gump, "That's all I got to say about thaaaaat.").

Anyway, one day I was reading the warning on this little gizmo. It says, "Do Not Use Near Open Flame." It's a lighter for crying out loud! That's what it does. It creates an open flame! How the heck am I to use this thing when it creates the very condition in which I'm warned not use it? Besides, if I'm already near an open flame I'd have no need for the thing anyway.

Believe it or not, Barbasol Shaving Cream has a similar warning on it. But, before we go there get a load of the Shaving Tips printed on the can. It says, and I quote, "Use Gentle Strokes With A SHARP Blade." I thought that was kind of a given, didn't you? I mean, if you're using a straight-edge razor, especially one that contains four or five sharp blades, it would be a good idea not to use rough, hard strokes. Although, I do remember the morning I actually saw a guy shaving with a straight-edge razor while driving his car. Hit one chuck hole while doing that . . . it's over. But I digress.

So, back to the warning on this can of shaving cream. Under WARNING is printed, "Do Not Heat To Warm Foam." This just begs the question, is there really a man out there who one day said to himself, "I think I'll sit in the fireplace to shave this morning?"

Down here in the Sunshine State, most everybody uses those windshield shade contraptions in their cars, especially during the summer. I had one in my old truck (I love old trucks) that had an interesting warning on the back of it. Now, as you know, these things are to be placed in the windshield of your automobile to help keep the inside of your car from getting unbearably hot while parked in the sun. As I got into my truck one day and reached to pull the shade out of the windshield, I noticed a warning on the back of it. It read, bet you know where I'm going with this, "Remove From Windshield Before Driving." Does this really deserve a comment? Yeah, it does. Do you mean to tell me that one day some guy said to his passenger, "Hey, I have a fun idea, let's leave the shade in the windshield and see how far we get before hitting somebody?"

Personally, one of my favorite warnings is a T.V. commercial for a product that helps insomniacs. At the end of the commercial the narrator rattles off all the possible side-affects of this product, which only serves to give you more things to worry over, adding to your inability to sleep. Near the end of his little speech, the narrator says that until you know just how you will be affected by this medication, you shouldn't drive while taking it. You think?!

So, let me get this straight. A doctor prescribes this medication for someone because he can't sleep. Then after taking it, as he's dozing off, he suddenly remembers he forgot to stop and pick up bacon and eggs on his way home from the office and decides to make a grocery run? Must be the same guy who wanted to see how far he'd get driving with the sun shade in his windshield.

Sometimes, it's not the warnings or instructions on a product that insults my intelligence. Sometimes it's the efforts made by manufacturers to "comfort me," make me feel good, and safe, protected by using their product.

For instance, there's an aerosol company that claims its product kills 99.9% of all germs in your bathroom. 99.9%. That's pretty darn good, ought to make us feel safe, right? Not me. What worries me, and it should worry everybody, is that 10th of a percent of germs it can't kill. Those have got to be some bad hombres. Those are the ones that scare me! Those are the ones I want to avoid.

Well, I could continue on with this little rant, but I need to head out to McDonalds, order hot chocolate, spill it on my lap and then sue them for the burn.