Bear Blunder Blues

Over the years, this great state that I live in has had a serious problem. Certain stretches of highway have been built, in what used to be virgin forests, across paths that black bears have been traversing for hundreds of years.

Now, these roads don't deter the bears in the least bit from continued use of these paths, which causes all kinds of havoc on motorists and their cars, not to mention the poor bears, when the two collide. Unfortunately, the citizens of our fair state have relied on the infinite wisdom of our government for a solution to this critical problem.

A few years back, the members of our state legislature put their collective minds together and came up with a brilliant answer. They spent hundreds of thousands if not millions of taxpayer dollars to burrow holes under the highways, thereby providing a bear crossing. Yes, you read it correctly. Our government here in Fantasy Land built bear crossings under our roads.

Oh, but this is not all. After the completion of a tunnel there's an unveiling ceremony held to commemorate the momentous occasion (I don't think any bears have been invited to one yet). We even have signs erected on both entrances of the tunnel stating that it is indeed a "bear crossing."

The biggest problem this great solution? BEARS CAN'T READ!

So, we now have expensive bear crossings under our highways, but because the bears are illiterate they still traverse the roads. This leaves the undying question, what will the government do now?

Well, I have a few ideas on the subject that I'm more than happy to share.

One option is a government funded "Learn To Read" program for bears. Of course, this would mean a world-wide search for someone willing to teach the bears to read. It would also mean the rounding up of all bears in the vicinity and force them to attend the program. This would cost dearly though--especially if the A.C.L.U. gets involved by filing law suits in favor of bears'
rights-- But hey, when it comes to spending tax payer dollars spare no expense, right?

We could even hold a graduation ceremony for the bears when they finish their schooling. The State could provide caps and gowns, hire a speaker, and just throw a grand ole celebration.

Ah, but it's said that bears have lousy eye sight. So maybe it would be better to teach them to read Braille instead.

But better yet, it's my understanding that bears rely more on their keen sense of smell than on their eyes to guide them through the woods. So, maybe every day the state highway department, using the guys you always see on the side of the road leaning on their shovels while one guy does all of the work, could collect road-killed animals and lay them in a line leading from the woods through the bear tunnel. This way, the bears could also snack as they smell their way under the highway.

Another option our great state could try is to hire the animal trainer from the Barnum and Bailey Circus. He could train the bears to cross under the road instead of traversing over it. Of course as soon as the trainer finishes his job and heads back to the circus, the bears, like most students when their teacher's back is turned, will probably become unruly and do what they darn well please anyway. So that's a questionable idea.

Well, there you have it. My solutions to our state's bear blunder blues. You know, it's this kind of government boo boo that tempts me to get more involved in politics.

But then, maybe not. I mean, it was just recently that I learned the Middle East Position has nothing to do with making a move on a board game.