You Can't Make This Stuff Up

A local congressman here in Florida is working hard to improve the quality of life in our fair state, and I must say I’m impressed with his efforts.

You see, unlike most politicians this congressman has the uncanny ability to keep himself from getting sidetracked by trivial issues, issues like a public school system that ranks among the worst in the United States, the rise of violent crime (Orlando, for example, is on target to at least double last year’s murder rate and, according to Men’sHealth magazine, out of the top 12 most angry cities in the U.S., Florida owns five of those positions, Orlando coming in at number one), traffic congestion that’s turned our main thoroughfares into over-sized parking lots, teachers sleeping with students, drug abuse, and the list goes on. No, Mr. Congressman focuses on the most important problems contributing to the downfall of society, problems like restaurant bathrooms running out of toilet paper.

Yes, you read correctly. Of all the ills of society, Mr. Congressman believes being stranded on a toilet in a restaurant ranks as the most important one, and it needs to be rectified (I could’ve gone for a cheap laugh and wrote “rectal-fied” but that would’ve been crass). He’s so passionate about this problem, he’s introduced a bill in congress to make it illegal for restaurants to run out of toilet paper. Nice to see our taxes at work, isn’t it?

If this piece of legislation becomes law, just how will it be enforced? Will the Florida legislature create a new division of law enforcement? The Paper Patrol perhaps?

Imagine being locked in a jail cell as a repeat offender of this new law and being asked by murderers, gang bangers, drug dealers, etc, what you did to end up behind bars. That would be an interesting conversation to say the least.

“What ya in here for, bud?” one cell mate will ask as he adds, “I murdered a couple of people, ‘cause I didn’t like the way they was lookin’ at me.”

“Yeah,” another inmate will chime in, “I’m in for armed robbery; beat a security guard almost to death. So what put ya here?”

“Um, I forgot to refill the toilet paper dispenser at the restaurant where I work. But when I get out of here I’m moving up to tearing off mattress tags!” Yeah, that’ll make the inmates think twice before messing with you.

Before we leave the subject of Florida, I have to mention a couple of billboards I saw as I entered and left the Miami International Airport.

You see, in an effort to ease traffic congestion, a whole new infrastructure of roads leading into, around, and out of the airport are being built. As is the case with most of our main thoroughfares in Florida, these new roads will be toll roads.

Anyway, on these billboards is written, “Toll booths coming soon!” Well break out the chips and dip and we’ll have us a celebration. Like, we’re supposed to be excited about this? Oh yeah, I can’t count the times I’ve been driving down a toll-free road and thought to myself, “Gosh, I sure wish the powers that be would put a toll booth here so I could gladly give them more of my hard-earned money.”

They can spin it, perfume it, sugar-coat it, do whatever they want to it in an attempt to placate our resentment of more toll booths to gouge our wallets, but skunk cabbage by any other name is still skunk cabbage, and it still stinks.

And speaking of stink, another you-can’t-make-this-stuff-up story happened in the “friendly skies.” It seems a commercial airliner was forced to make an emergency landing. Why? Flatulence. That’s right, flatulence. An American Airlines flight, headed to Dallas, Texas from Washington, D.C. had to make an unscheduled landing in Nashville, Tennessee because a woman sneezed in her pants.

Evidently, sometime into the flight, passengers began complaining of a nauseating odor. In fact, the smell was so repugnant a passenger and a flight attendant became physically ill.

So, the pilot made an emergency landing in Nashville. On the ground, the passengers were evacuated from the plane and put through a security search, the luggage hold of the plane was emptied, the luggage examined, and a team of canines were brought in to sniff out the source of the stench, which they did.

Those highly prized scent detectors lead their handlers to a seat in the plane where the remains of a few burnt paper matches lie. From there, all authorities had to do was look on the passenger manifest to see who was sitting in said seat.

It turned out that the person belonging to that seat was an elderly woman, an elderly woman with a medical condition, a medical condition that gives the poor lady an excessive amount of uncontrollable rotten-smelling flatulence, as if there’s any other kind.

Since passengers are allowed to bring four books of paper matches onboard with them this lady did just that, and in an effort to mask the unpleasant aroma of her anal backfire, she lighted a few. Thankfully, the authorities were understanding and didn’t charge the lady with any crimes.
You know, it’s been said that truth is stranger than fiction. It is, and usually a whole lot funnier too.