Just Say Neeeeeiiiiiiiiigh

It’s come to my attention that people will go to no end to improve (or so they think) their looks. Just look at what we do to our hair and you’ll understand what I’m talking about.

Back when I was married, I was in the bathroom when I noticed something that got me to thinking, and we all know how dangerous that can be. I noticed that on one of the shelves was a conditioner the “Mrs.” had bought for her hair. What’s strange about buying conditioner for one’s hair? Nothing, except for the fact the conditioner, MANE-N-TAIL, is a product used on horses!

Now, I wasn’t too worried when she began having cravings for carrots and Quaker Oats, nor was I worried when I asked what time she’d be returning from the supermarket and she stamped her foot three times. Heck, even the night she snuggled up to me in bed and whinnied in my ear caused no worries, but it was a real blow to my male psyche when she left me for Mr. Ed (in case you’ve forgotten, that was the old 1960s TV show where Ed, the horse, talked)!

As you might guess, this incident stroked my curiosity a bit, so I began taking a closer look at hair products. Needless to say, I had a good laugh or two at what I discovered.

The label on one of the shampoo bottles in our bathroom claims, in big bold letters, that it is PURE AND MILD. Is that a shampoo or a sermon? It sounds more like something taught in Sunday school than a claim on a shampoo bottle.

We used to have a shampoo at the house that claimed to be a “hair salad.” Now, I’ve heard of a fruit salad, a potato salad, and a garden salad, but a hair salad? Is that served with a drink or what?

Speaking of salads, there are shampoos on the market whose ingredients include jojoba, honeysuckle, kiwi, mango, coconut, apple pectin, wild cherries, vegetable oil, soy protein, corn, pineapple, cucumber, garlic, carrots, tomatoes, bitter orange (and what’s wrong with using a sweet orange?), peppermint, and Paraguay tea (as opposed to what, English tea?), reads more like the menu of the salad bar at a Shoney’s or an Olive Garden restaurant, doesn’t it? I mean, which do you do, eat the stuff or put it on your hair? Also, seems to me we could grow most of these ingredients in our gardens and make our own shampoo, easing the house-hold budget a bit.

And did you know there’s a product that claims to be a botanical hair humectant conditioner? A what? I can hardly say “botanical hair humectant conditioner” without tripping over my tongue let alone explain what the heck it supposedly does for your hair.

There’s also a product which is supposed to provide therapy for your hair. So, if my hair is out of control does it get a 45 minute therapy session? I’m not sure my health insurance covers that.
You know, this just begs the questions; exactly how does one go about getting a degree in hair psychoanalysis and what kind of questions would a therapist ask your hair? “So, when do you feel you started losing control? Were you fine as a child or have you always been a bit on the kinky side?” And would the therapy session include a check of your roots in search of ugly behavior patterns throughout past generations?

Yes, it certainly seems society’s obsession to obtain “perfect” hair has risen to a whole new level of bizarre, and . . . oh, oh, I have to end this little tirade now; the timer just buzzed, indicating it’s time to rinse the motor oil out of my hair.