A Lesson in Southern Lingo

When I was a teacher, I taught at inner-city schools. Because I wasn't well versed in inner-city lingo, and my students weren't acquainted with Southern English, we spent the first three months of the school year trying to understand each other, always responding to one another with, "What?"

I don't teach anymore, but with so many people moving to the South communicating with each other can still be a trial. So, a crash course in Southern English is in order, and we'll start off with phonics. Class is now in session. Pay attention, there could be a quiz afterward.

1) Far: "Bubba, toss me the Rolaids. Those burritos we had for lunch set my stomach on far!"

2) Wat: "I thought maybe I'd paint the fence wat this year."

3) Haa-why: "Hey, wudda ya say we spend our vacation over to Haa-why."

4) Air-a-plane: "If we go to Haaa-why we'd get to ride in a big ole air-a-plane."

5) Dawg: "My dawg has no legs. Every night after work, I leash him and take him out for a drag."

6) Bade: "Bubba, I won't be to work today. I'm sick in bade."

7) Cain't: "No Bubba, I'm telling you I cain't come in to work because I'm sick."

8) Peels. "Here comes Aunt Bula and the kids. I'd best hurry and take one of those happy peels the doctor prescribed for me."

9) Ha Skule: "I can't wait to see some of the old gang at this year's ha scule reunion.

10) Winder: "Bubba, bet ya I can spit out this here winder farther than you."

Now, another part of southern lingo is the use of colorful expressions. Here's a random sample of some followed by an explanation of their meaning.

"You been a hollerin' sew-ee for a long time now and ain't brought no pigs to trough yet." What people say when I tell them some day "my ship will come in."

"Like the whale said about Jonah, 'I ain't a swallerin' that.'" My teacher's response when I told her my dog ate my homework.

"Don't say the preserves is spoilt 'til ya open the jar." My response to Skunky when he said my plan to skip school without getting caught wouldn't work.

"I'm as frustrated as a pyromaniac in a petrified forest." How I felt most afternoons when I was a teacher.

"I'm as hungry as a woodpecker with a sore beak." My answer when asked if I'm ready to eat.

"I'm feelin' lower than a hog with his chin on the auction block." What I said when I wrecked my truck.

"She's got more curves than a goats' path." How I described my first love to my best friend Skunky Wilson.

And finally, what Uncle Billy Roy Silas said to his wife when she lost a lottery ticket worth several thousand dollars, "I've been with ya when you was high on the hawg; I'll stick with ya whilst yer down around the hocks."

Well, there you have it, lesson number one on how to speak southern. Any questions? If so y'all give me a call, ya hear?