The Slob Olympics? Now You're Talking

In just a few days the Winter Olympics will begin, and for many of us the games provide an exciting diversion from our otherwise dreary, uneventful lives. But as much as I enjoy them, I'd rather see an Olympic tournament that the average person could not only relate to but could participate in. Something along the lines of the Slob Olympics. Now, that's a contest my sons and I could really excel in, might even bring home the gold as they say. So, let the games begin!

One of the first contests to be held at the Slob Olympics will be the Flat Surface Fandango. This game is similar to the home version. The object of this event is to pile as much stuff as possible--papers, pens, pencils, crayons, scissors, books, check stubs, hats, paper clips, etc--on an end table without any of it falling to the floor. Points will be deducted if that happens.

Another popular game to be played at the Slob Games will be the Over-Looking-A-Much-Needed-Object contest. This game will be a contest between teams consisting of the athletes and their mothers. Each athlete will be given a container of miscellaneous items similar the articles used in the Flat Surface Fandango. After scattering the contents of the container throughout the house, the athletes will then holler to their mothers for help in finding one of said items, "Maaaaaum, have you seen my notebook? Or, "Mother, what did YOU do with my socks?"
Once that helpless, pathetic holler is made, the mother of the athlete will have 45 seconds to locate the particular item her son or daughter can't find. Since the contestants' moms have been in training all of their children's lives, and since most of the items that are lost are actually in plain sight, most mothers will finish their task before the allotted time runs out. So, of course, the mother with the fastest time in finding the lost object will win the most points. But points will also be given for the best holler (woefull tone of hopelessness, projection, quality of whining, originality of one's holler, etcetera, etcetera). Could make for an exciting competition, don't you think?

Finally, the third example of the type of contests that will be held at the Slob Olympics is the Greasy Grime Cook Off. This is a simple contest consisting of a portable electric grill set on a kitchen counter and an infinite amount of raw hamburger. The object for each contestant will be to build as much grease on the kitchen counter as possible by frying hamburger patties on the grill. The thicker the build up of grease the more points a contestant gains. But, to make the event a bit more interesting, if a contestant gets a grease fire going that person would win bonus points for the team. Bonus points, too, will be given to any contestant who tries to squelch the aforementioned grease fire with water. The person who does this not only earns extra points but will also win free medical treatment for the 3rd degree burns that are sure to result from being splattered by the hot grease. Come to think of it, the more severe the burns the more points given.

There you have it, three examples of the games that will be played in the Slob Olympics. And just in case my dream of these games comes true, I'd better start practicing for the event I most excel in...The Bathroom Bravado. I'll leave it up to your imagination as to what that involves.