I'm Trying to Watch My Language, Momma, I really Am

Momma always says that I should watch my language and I try. But it would be so much easier if our language weren't' so confusing.

Take the word our. We all know the word our is used to show ownership of something by more than one person, as in our house or our car. But put the letter t in front of the word our, and you get the word tour (phonetically pronounced too-oer). But wait. When the t is put in front of the word our shouldn't the new word be pronounced like the word that describes a tall building? Nooooo, that word is tower, unless one is pulling another's automobile behind his. In that case said person is a tower (toe-er), spelled the same but pronounced differently.

Now, if one's vehicle is being pulled behind another's automobile, that person can say he was towed, but shouldn't that be spelled toad? No, a toad is some little warty thing that starts out in life as a tadpole, usually named Polly something or other.

Then maybe the word should be spelled toed. That won't do either. People might misconstrue toed to mean someone who was clubbed by a certain part of another's foot. This is soooooo confusing!

The word or is another interesting word. Put a w at the beginning of it, an m at its end, and you get the word worm, a little creature I used to dig out of the dirt to use as fish bait. But when you add the w and the m to or, shouldn't the newly formed word be pronounced like the word that means the opposite of cold? No, that word is warm; even though when the w is removed you get the word arm, ARRRRRG!

Now, if all of this isn't enough to give you a headache then consider this, why do words often have more than one meaning? Take the word staple. It can mean a metal object used to hold more than one sheet of paper together, or it can mean a way of eating, as in staple diet. If I were one who didn't have sufficient command of our language and a doctor told me I needed a "staple" diet I'd leave his office so fast I'd be a blur to the human eye.

Here's something else to think about. Why is it that the socially acceptable counter part to swear words just don't have the same sting to them as do the swear words themselves? They're just words aren't they? Yet, calling someone an anal orifice doesn't have the same bite to it, nor does it carry the same satisfaction for the user, as does its equivalent swear words.

Go ahead and try this theory out. The next time you're angry with someone call that person a fecal cranium, or tell that person you're really urinated off at him. If you don't get laughed at you'll at least get a "what?" look from that person.

Another thing we do with language is we sugarcoat subjects that make us uncomfortable. An adult, for instance, doesn't pee his pants. He has an "over-active bladder." So, if one is constipated does one have an under-active bowel? It's worrying the heck out of me.

"Excess gas," now there's a sugarcoated term if ever there was one. This is a term that one particular product uses in its commercial. Have you seen this commercial? This is a product that is used to help regulate one's bowls, and in the commercial the makers of it claim that using it won't give you excess gas. Tell me, what exactly is excess gas? Well, trust me on this one. If you're interviewing for a job, if you're in a corporate board meeting, if you're stuck in a crowded elevator, or if you're on a date, ANY GAS IS EXCESS GAS!

Finally, there's the king of all sugarcoated terms, the digital exam. This is the part of a doctor's exam that, sooner or later, all men end up having. Digital exam, pa--lease, call it for what it is. Digital exam is nothing but a sugarcoated way of telling you that the doctor is going to stick his finger so far up your hind-quarters he can tickle your brain!

So, between the confusion, the double meanings, substitute swear words, and the sugarcoating of terms, watching my language is a very difficult task. But, momma, for you I'll try. In the mean time, I think I'll cook for my dinner a nice, juicy stake, wait, that would be steak--unless, of course, you happen to be a beaver.