Inanimate Objects Have a Life of Their Own

If anyone tells you that inanimate objects are lifeless, don’t believe them. Experience has taught me that, in fact, the opposite is true.

Clothes hangers, for instance, are good examples of what I’m talking about. I’ve never seen a closet with just the right amount of hangers in it. There’s always a few extra. In fact, just shut two of those frisky little rascals in a dark, empty closet, then stand back and watch them multiply. In a month’s time they’ll be taking over the house; you’ll find yourself tripping over them everywhere. And there’s not a whole lot you can do to relieve yourself of the problem either.

Giving away your excess hangers isn’t really an answer. First off, most people, like your, are madly fighting their own personal battles in the war against clothes hanger overpopulation. More than likely, if you call someone on the phone to ask them if they would like some clothes hangers, as soon as you ask, you’ll hear a click and then nothing but silence on the phone.

Now, even if you do happen to pawn the little happy breeders off on someone, you still have to keep some clothes hanger around for personal use. There in lies another problem—all it takes are two those succors left alone in a dark closet and in a very short time, once again, you’ll be hearing click and then nothing but silence on your phone. It’s a vicious circle.

Another case-in-point are socks. When I was a youngster I could never figure out what happened to my socks after I’d put them in the wash. My socks would always come back missing their mates. Were they taken prisoner in some sock war that goes on in the washer or dryer after the lids on those contraptions were shut? I didn’t know.

Actually, I blamed my mamma. I thought it was some diabolical scheme she’d thought up as punishment for being the petulant child that I was. But when I got married, the problem still persisted. Perhaps my mom taught my ex-wife how to punish me for being the petulant husband that I was. Not so. I’ve learned different.

The truth to this most exasperating problem came to me when I took over the wash of our household. Because I was working out of the home at the time, I took charge of the wash. And you know, nothing changed when I took over. Socks were still turning up in the wash without their mates, and my kids thought it was some diabolical scheme on my part to punish them being the petulant children that they were.

Now, I’d put every stitch of dirty clothing into the washer and dryer, so I knew I was not responsible for the disappearing socks. Somewhere between the time that I put them in the washer and the time I took them out of the dryer, they disappeared. The only logical conclusion I could come up with is that one or both of those machines was feeding on socks. It’s the nature of those beasts. And since our dryer at the time was acting like it was choking on a sock, I suspected it was the culprit.

One last group of items I’d like to bring to your attention as evidence that inanimate objects do live is pens. These rascals not only live, they have a sense of humor and can read your mind.

It doesn’t matter what I’m doing (as long as it doesn’t require using a pen), I find them everywhere, always in my way. But the minute I even think of writing something down on paper all the pens in a twenty mile radius disappear. Where they run and hide is anybody’s guess. I can tear the house apart and the only thing I’ll come across that remotely resembles a pen is the carcass of one someone has dismantled.
I’ll place a pen by the phone to use for writing down messages. Five minutes later the phone rings. It’s a business call. I need to take down important notes. No pen. I’ll ask the person I’m talking with to hold on a minute while I look for a pen, but to no avail. They’ve all run off to where ever it is they go when they run away, and I end up using a crayola the size of an elephant’s leg to scribble down the important information.

Well, I could go on and on, but I won’t. I have an important task to accomplish today—I’m going to straighten some wire clothes hangers and use them to bind together all of my dirty socks in the clothes hamper. That’ll keep them from getting separated during the wash. While I’m at it, I think I’ll super glue a pen to my phone. Works for me.