Getting Things Off My Chest

First: while driving, if I’m passing you on your right, YOU’RE IN THE WRONG LANE! Now that that’s done let’s move on to some other things.

Note to self: before motorcycling again in wet weather BUY SOME RAIN GEAR! During the raining season here in Florida, just because the weatherman says there’s only a 30% chance of rain doesn’t mean it’s smart to play the odds, unless you have RAIN GEAR!

It amazes me the names manufacturers will give a product to entice consumers to buy it. At work we have a bottle of liquid hand soap the manufacturer of which has labeled Tropical Breeze. Tropical Breeze? It’s hand soap for crying out loud not an exotic vacation package. When washing my hands after using the commode (by the way, why is it OK to use a bathroom but not someone of the opposite sex? Just wondering), what I want to read on a bottle of a hand sanitizing product is something like, Big, Bad, All Germ Killer! Not some fluffy, foo, foo name like Tropical Breeze.

Since we’re on the general subject of disinfectants, I know I’ve mentioned this before but I continue to see the ads and read the label for this one particular air freshener. The manufacturer states that it kills 99.9% of germs. That’s pretty darn good, but what scares me, and it ought to scare everybody, is that 1/10th of a percent of germs that it doesn’t kill! They’ve got to be some pretty tough hombres and are the ones we should be worried about not the other 99.9%. You want to make me happy manufacture an air freshener that kills 100% of all germs.

During this great political season, as always, we get promises from the candidates about all the good things they’re going to do for us but really never see their plan on how they’re going accomplish these tasks. I think if I ran for office my platform would be simple and honest: my fellow Americans, I’m not going to make any promises to you that I both know I can’t fulfill. I can only promise I’ll do my best to do right by the American people.” That might even entice me to vote for myself.

Have you ever wondered where certain sayings come from? One that I’ve always wondered about is “butt load.” I’m sure we’ve all heard someone say, or have said it ourselves, “I got a butt load of work to do,” or “I got a butt load of studying to do tonight before finals.” Just what constitutes a “butt load” of anything? Check that, maybe I don’t really want to know, being how I suffer from I.B.S. (Irritable Bowl Syndrome) and all.

Staying on the subject of derrieres, aren’t you glad we don’t identify each other in the same manner dogs do? Hey, I’ve put some thought into this subject. Look, if we can’t stand each other’s halitosis, how in the world could we stand sniffing one another’s rumps?

And then to complicate matters we have scented toilet paper. Think about this scenario, you see someone you think you know, maybe a relative. You walk over to sniff that person’s hind quarters but that person has been using scented toilet paper. You don’t recognize the scent and you think to yourself, “I could’ve sworn that was Uncle John,” and you walk away, missing the chance to say hello to your favorite uncle.

There are pluses and minuses to this of course. If there are people you want to hide from all you have to do is make your rear-end smell like a Carolina pine forest.

On the other hand (there’s always another hand, isn’t there?) there is a downside to this that’s worse than missing the opportunity to greet your favorite uncle.

Say you’re feeling a bit romantic one night and you put the moves on your wife but have forgotten you’ve used scented toilet paper earlier in the evening. You could find yourself arrested and thrown in jail all because you threw your scent off and your wife didn’t recognize you.

Well, I don’t know about you but I certainly feel better for getting these things off my chest. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a butt load of company here and I have to, well, go sniff some.