Speak English! Oh, You Are

Some people say the English language is one of the hardest languages to learn. And you know what? They might just be right. But I’m not sure if it’s the structure and mechanics of the language as much as it’s the many different dialects that make it difficult, not only here in the United States but around the world.

Judge shows (you know, Judges Brown, Judy, Martinez, etc.) provide one with many examples of the different English dialects here in the States. I remember a case where the defendant was trying to convince the Judge that the complainant tricked him into agreeing to a deal he now was trying to get out of. He said, and I quote, “She nipolated me ya honor. She’s a nipolater.”

On another show a defendant thought she shouldn’t be held liable for wrecking a friend’s car because her, “insurance had collapsed.”

So does that mean if I should faint you could say I elapsed to the floor? Just curios.

I’ve also learned new words and ways of saying old words from these same shows. One woman, who supposedly had a Masters degree (in what I don’t know, perhaps Shoe Tying), kept telling the Judge over and over that part of the problem was the zellerator in her car wasn’t working properly. It took a while, but the Judge finally figured out the woman was talking about the accelerator of her car.

“I borrowed it to him” and, “So we’re irresponsible for paying back the money?” are just two more ways of phrasing and using words in a way I didn’t know existed.

The airlines, now they have their own style of grammar--Third Person Removed. They always say they’d like to thank you but they never do; “On behalf of the captain and crew we’d like to thank you for flying Wrongway Airlines. . .” or, “On behalf of Wrongway Airlines we’d like to welcome you to Peeonya, Alaska. . .”

I’ m just waiting for the day when they finally finished those sentences, “. . . but you’re all a bunch of morons so we’re not going to.”

People on TV news shows also speak a weird dialect of English, where they never complete a thought or even worse, they speak fragmented sentences. These are supposed learned people, skilled in the art of proper grammar, yet you will often hear them say things like, “A hit and run. . .” or “An unusual bank robbery,” just before they go to commercial break, leaving you hanging.

Mix into this whole dialect problem the English-speaking countries outside of the United States, with their own form and vernacular of the language, and one has to wonder how we communicate with each other at all.

While working at a theater in Branson, Missouri I once had a Canadian ask me where the bubbler was. I wasn’t sure if he was asking about a bidet, a Jacuzzi, or a boiling pot of water on a stove. Turns out he was talking about the water fountain.

And a while back I was helping an English gentleman who was looking for an NBA jersey of any team for a gift to a friend back home. I pointed out a Denver Nugget jersey and he was almost insulted. From where he hails, a nugget is a piece of fecal matter, talk about a quick ending to a long friendship.

Well, I could drone on and on concerning this subject, but I reckon I should cut off the TV, carry the kids to Grandma’s so she can keep them, whilst sweetie and I take in a picture show--that, my friends, is Southern English for, “I suppose I should turn off the TV, drive the kids to Grandma’s so she can babysit them, while sweetie and I go to a movie.”