Random Thoughts of a Neurotic Man

Why am I always the one on the commode when the roll of toilet paper runs out and the stash of T.P. in the cabinet is depleted? How I hate yelling at the top of my lungs like a Floridian with arachnophobia (now I’m not saying we grow ‘em big here but when you can count each individual hair on all eight legs with the naked eye, you know you’re dealing some BIG spiders!) for someone to please bring me some pooper scooper!

Since we’re on the subject of “poo” paper, I want to give out a loud at-a-boy to the employees at the end of the assembly lines of all the makers of toilet paper for doing such a good job of gluing that last sheet of paper to the roll. Stop taking your jobs so seriously, will you?! Just a drop or two of glue (and I’m not talking “Krazy Glue" here, or any form there of) will do, thank you very much.

Whew, glad to get that off of my chest. On to bigger and better things as they say (ever wonder just who they are? I mean, they get credit for saying so many things we should at least know who they are, just a thought).

Why is it that I can walk into a supermarket that out of 100 shopping carts has 99 new ones and I'll pick that 100th cart with the one wheel that wobbles in every direction like a drunk driving a motorcycle? Or it’ll have the one wheel that is frozen, won’t spin, turn, etc--it thinks it’s attached to the cart purely for decorative purposes.

The bigger question is why did the supermarket stop buying new carts after purchasing 99 of them? Would it have put them into bankruptcy to purchase just one more cart?

One supermarket advertises that it’s your (meaning you and I) store. Well, since it’s my store then I say buy the extra shopping cart! Oh, and I’ll take some of my cash from my registers; Sweetie needs a new car.

Remember when you were just a child and would hang your arm out an open window of the car and your parents would command you to pull it back in because it was a dangerous thing to do? Remember how, to emphasize this point, your parents would then proceed to tell you about the little child who years ago wouldn’t listen to his parents when they warned him of the dangers of hanging his arm out of a car window and a vehicle coming the other way caught his hanging arm and ripped it right off? For those of us whose parents did this, it’s a wonder the first time we saw a one-armed adult we didn’t run up to that person, while shaking a finger at him, and say, “So you’re the one who put his arm out the window of the car after being told not to!”

And as parents we all say other stupid things to our kids, things like what my parents said to me when I acted up, as did theirs to them and I to mine, “You wanna spankin’?”

Now how stupid of a question is that? I doubt there’s ever been a kid who turned his derriere to his daddy and said, as he pointed to one of his rear cheeks, “Yeah lay it on me, right there.”

There are plenty of other stupid things we say, right? You know, like when you hear someone enter the house and you holler from another room, “Mick!”

“Yeah.”

“Is that you?”

Daaarrrrrhhhhh!

Or how about when you’ve been searching for a lost item/items for a while, like your keys for instance, and after you've retrieve them someone asks you, “So where did you finally find your keys?”

“Wouldn’t you know it,” you answer, “I found them in the last place I looked.”

Of course they were in the last place you looked! Nobody keeps looking after they find their lost property.

“Well, they were in the 3rd to the last spot I looked at, but I was having so much fun I just kept on looking, kind of reminded me of a scavenger hunt.”

One time I managed a regional bookstore. We were required to wear these funky bookstore aprons with our manager nametag on the chest. Well one day, at the end of an opening shift, I was carrying three cash register drawers back to the office to balance out that shift’s sales.

I was heading down a book aisle, toward the office, when a lady walking toward me stopped and asked, “Do you work here?”

“No lady, I’m a thief in disguise. Is it working?”

ARGH!

Well, kiddos, these have been just some of the random thoughts of a neurotic man. I hope they keep you up at night as they do me—I could use the company.