Getting It in the "End"

A visit to the doctor’s office is usually something most of us dread. Let’s face it, other than visiting the doctor for a yearly physical, most of us only see him when something’s wrong with our health, and usually that visit entails a lot of prodding, poking, bloodletting, and many other very uncomfortable things. It’s true. It happened to me a while back.

Now, I won’t bore you with the details of the ailment that sent me seeking a doctor’s advice. I will tell you this much, in order to be sure that certain maladies weren’t the culprit of my illness, the doctor needed a good view of my insides. To do this he had to use a scope, a scope that was not inserted down my throat. No, it went somewhere else, and in the immortal words of Forrest Gump (a true American if ever there was), “That’s all I have to say about thaaaaat.”

To be sure, the preparation for scoping one’s innards is worse than the procedure itself. You see, the first thing you’re instructed to do, starting twenty-four hours before the procedure takes place, is to stop eating solids, only clear liquids can go into your body. Do you know what that means? It means for a whole day your main course at meal times is basically BOUILLON SOUP. It’s flavored water for Pete’s sake! Don’t get me wrong, bouillon soup has its place in the culinary world. But as a staple to one’s diet for a whole day, well, that’s just flat out abuse. I mean, by the end of a work day, a work day during which you have not eaten any solid food, you’re so starved and fatigued you can barely make it through the front door of your house without collapsing. Since you can't eat and your strength is all but gone, you stumble to the sofa, clumsily grab the remote control to your T.V., and turn that succor on. Huge mistake!

Do you know how many commercials there are on T.V. that has something to do with food? I swear, three out of every five commercials will remind you of just how hungry you are.

The second bit of torture the doctor wants you to inflict upon yourself is worse than the starvation diet of beef and chicken flavored water. Let me tell you, it’s the most hideous, awful thing known to man. I’d rather have all my teeth pulled at once without anesthetic than go through it again. You see, in order for the doc to clearly see your insides through the scope your insides must be empty.
At two P.M., the day before the scope, you are required to drink two ounces of castor oil. If you've never had to drink castor oil consider yourself blessed. But if you want to know what it's like; well, gagging, coughing, choking, and dry heaving are things with which you become intimately acquainted.

Now, struggling to drink and keep the castor oil down is just the beginning of your problems. You see, once ingested, that putrid stuff turns you into a castor oil time bomb, and you have no idea when you will explode. Will you detonate before you leave work? Will you detonate while driving home from work, stuck in traffic? Or will you detonate after you arrive home, where you can promptly and privately take care of the situation? It’s literally a crap shoot, pun intended.

But the most aggravating thing of this whole ordeal isn't the starvation. It isn't choking down castor oil; it's not even turning one’s self into a castor oil time bomb. No, the most aggravating thing about this whole scenario is that you get to pay the doctor hundreds of dollars for the pleasure of being tortured.

So, if sharing this experience has educated you to the horrors of having your innards looked at then I consider my job well done, and just think, it was painless and it didn’t cost you a dime.