The "New" World of Potty Training

It always amazes me what people will think to make a little money. Take, for instance, the program I saw on television awhile back when the network I was watching did a piece on new methods for potty training children, and you know I just had to write about it.

During the program part of a potty training video, a video parents could purchase to encourage their “trainee” to use the toilet, was shown. The thing I couldn’t figure out is just when one is supposed to show this video to one’s offspring--before, during, or after the child’s attempt to use the commode?

I guess, like those in-flight movies shown on airplanes while in route to one’s destination, one could use the potty video as an in-bathroom movie while one’s child is in route to, well, you get the idea. But I digress.

Now, one part of this video portrayed an over enthusiastic, if not down right sickening, set of parents in a bathroom, standing in front of their child who’s sitting on the thrown. As the proud parents stood there—I swear I’m not making this up—they sang a potty song to their child that went something like this: Bobby’s a super duper pooper. He can poop with the best . . .!

Yeah right. You just know that singing toilet songs to my three sons as they did their “duty” while on the toilet would’ve been the highlight of their potty training. And I won’t even delve into the lyrics I’d have sung to my boys, except to say that my marriage to their mom would probably have ended earlier than it did.

You know, the biggest problem I see with this method of toilet training is the affect it might have on a child—every time he hears someone singing he’ll have the overwhelming urge to go to the bathroom, kind of makes you think of Pavlov and his dogs, doesn’t it? I’m guessing this type of toilet training would preclude a music career for a child.

To me, this potty training video rates right up there with the creation of the diaper beeper. Fortunately, like the potty video, this devise never caught on.

You see, a few years ago a guy in Utah invented a liquid sensitive beeper that attached to a baby’s diaper. Here’s how it worked. Once attached, the beeper sounds off when the diaper gets wet. You then rush your child to the bathroom, undo his diaper, and set him on the commode to finish the job, the theory being that eventually the child gets the idea that he’s to use the toilet.

Now, there are three things that concerned me about this invention. First off, let’s hope the beeper and all of its wiring is liquid proof; otherwise, your kid may be in for the shock of his young life, OUCH!

Second, what happens when you’re attending a solemn occasion like a wedding or a funeral, and your child pees his diaper? Oh, you’d certainly be the hit of the event.

Thirdly, when I get old and feeble and loose control of my bodily functions it will be embarrassing enough to having to wear adult diapers, but if my kids think their going to attach a diaper beeper to me, well, they best thing again!

It’s said that you don’t necessarily need to come up with a new invention to make money. All you have to do is improve on an old one. So while these diaper-beeping, potty videoing inventors are at it, why don’t they invent a diaper that changes itself?!

Now that would be impressive; oh, and invent it before December 11th, when baby J is due to enter the world. Grandpa here isn’t looking forward to doing the diaper thing again.