Signs of Our Times

Signs are interesting, aren’t they? They come in an array of sizes and shapes, with all kinds of information on them, and though some signs are needed most are a waste of time, energy, and material.

For instance, there’s a sign I saw the other day in someone’s yard that read, “For Sale By Owner.” Who else would be selling this man’s house?! Have you ever seen a sign that said, “For Sale by Neighbor”?

“Yeah, come on in, we’ll sell it to ya. The owners are down at the supermarket. They’ll never know.”

Another sign I don’t understand is a street sign not far from my home which reads, “Dip.” When I first saw that sign I pulled off to the side of the road and spent an hour and a half looking for my brother-in-law.

Or there’s the sign that says, “Slow Children At Play.” Hey, if they’re so slow a warning needs to be posted I figure I can dodge them!

And let’s not forget another ever needed sign posted through out town, “Stop For Pedestrians In Crosswalk.” My first thought when coming upon this sign was, is this a problem here? I mean, stopping for people in crosswalks should’ve been covered in Driver’s Ed. 101. If driver’s in your area need a sign to remind them not to run over pedestrians I say get out of their way!

And speaking of crosswalks, while living in the Ozark Mountains I noticed a sign one day that the city of Branson, Missouri had erected at a crosswalk at the bottom of a very steep hill. It read, “Stop For Children In Crosswalk.” What? Like old people are fair game? “Look, Martha, there’s an old geezer crossing the street with a walker. That’s like, 50 points on the score card, isn’t it?”

Since I mentioned Branson, Missouri, one of the strangest signs I ever saw was for a business in Branson. The sign read, “Locksmiths And Hair Styling.” Heaven knows we’ve needed something like that for a long time now.

Just how did that idea come about? Did some guy walk into the shop one day to have a key made and said to the person at the counter, “You know, you did a heck of a job cutting that key, I think I’ll let you cut my hair?”

I’ll have to admit, though, I did come across an idea for a sign that was a brilliant, and it might even cut down the number of road rage incidents. It was suggested that every licensed driver in the U.S. be given a dart gun with darts (the suction cup type of darts). Each dart would have a little flag attached to it with the word IDIOT on it. Every time someone cuts you off in the lane, runs a red light, drives while shaving or reading a book (I once saw a young lady driving a stick shift, smoking, putting on her makeup, and talking on her cell phone all at the same time), does 35 mph in the passing lane on the interstate, etc., other drivers can shoot his car with an IDIOT dart. When a person has five or more darts hanging on his car the police pull him over and give him a ticket. Said driver would also receive a hefty fine and have to take a Driver’s Ed. course. To me, this would be an excellent usage of signs—though my family tells me that with the way I drive my car would be plastered with darts before I got a mile from home. Now that I think about it maybe that’s not such a great idea.

Well, I could drone on and on concerning this subject, but I think you get the idea and really I’ve belabored the point long enough. I guess there’s just nothing left to do except sign off (ouch!).