Keep an Eye on That Davenport!

Davenports sure can be deceiving. Isn't it amazing how they look so innocent and serene when, in fact, they're nothing but CLOTHES-SUCKING, COIN-GRABBING,TOY-GULPING MONSTERS?!

I mean, anytime something in my house is missing, the first place we look is under the couch. It seems that's where all of our worldly possessions end up.

One morning, oldest son was running around the house like a dog that had been wormed with turpentine. It seems he couldn't find his shoes and he was late for school. Finally, after tearing the house apart looking for them, he lifted the couch to check under it. As oldest son raised the sofa, I couldn't believe my eyes. Not only were his shoes under there, but there were at least two dump-truck loads of assorted goods under that couch. Why, there was everything from toys to coloring books to enough clothes to stock a Wal-Mart!

Nothing seems exempt from the clutches of the davenport either. One time, middle son asked younger brother where he might find a certain board game. Younger brother said,"look under the couch." He did . . . and it was.

In fact, I believe that's where my dad met my mother. He was looking under the sofa for a lost pair of old stale socks and there she was.

You know, now that I think about it, the next time my neighbor asks for his power tool that I borrowed a while back and misplaced, I think I'll just point to the living room and tell him, "look under the couch."

And my advice to everyone is, unless the pockets of your pants have zippers on them, never sit down on a couch. Anything and everything inside your pockets is very likely to be pilfered by the beast and disappear into the deep, dark crevice's of its cushions.

Oh, how those sofas can be sly devils too. Why, you'll sit down on one, visit with a friend a while, then head home not even suspecting that your pockets have been looted. It'll be days before you'll realize what happened, and since possession is 9/10ths of the law you can forget about reclaiming your goods. A court would never uphold your claim, and besides, if you go before a judge, claiming that someone's davenport robbed you, you could very well end up being put in a rubber room, wearing one of those funny little white jackets with the sleeves that tie in the back.

You know, it was years before I realized that the thievery of our sofa was the reason why my kids, when they were younger, always became hyper when company paid a visit. At first, I thought it was because my children enjoyed socializing. Not so. You see, after our visitors left, the kids would immediately go on a treasure hunt, tearing apart the sofa in search of any trinkets the couch might have pilfered from the pockets of our unsuspecting guests.

One time, the kids even found the neighbor's cat under the sofa after it had been missing for a week. Another time, ex-wife found a pair of pantyhose under the couch. They weren't hers. I had some splainin' to do, until she finally remembered. They belonged to her sister. She'd borrowed them. They disappeared before she could return them.

Well, got to go. A neighbor just called requesting my help. It seems her four-year-old son has wandered off and wants my help in finding him. Hmmm, I wonder if she's looked under her couch.