Life's Contradiction of Terms, Oxymorons and Ironies

OFFLINE FOR A WHILE. BE BACK SOON.


There are a lot of things in life that are a contradiction of terms, oxymorons, ironies, and the like. Some can be funny and some just down right annoying.

Fast-food restaurants are certainly a contradiction of terms. I don’t know how many times I’ve impatiently waited near the end of a long, slow-moving line of cars at a fast-food restaurant’s drive-through window wondering to myself how these places earned the name fast food to begin with.

Speaking of drive-through windows, shouldn’t they be called drive-up windows? I mean, you don’t really drive through them, do you? No, you drive up to and stop at them to gather the food order you placed, which seemed like an hour ago, through one of those funky two-way microphone systems that garbles up voices so badly no one can understand what anyone is saying. Man, I hate those things.

One time, when placing an order in one of those, I thought I’d give the person on the other end a taste of his own medicine. I put my hand over my mouth and spoke into it when giving my order, thus beginning a long conversation consisting mostly of, “What?” It was good for laughs with the crowd in the car but our order sure got screwed up.

Then there are those express lanes at supermarkets, Wal-Mart, K-Mart, most busy stores out there. How many times have you been stuck waiting near the end of a long, slow moving line of people wondering to yourself how these check-out aisles ever got the name express lane to begin with? When in that situation, haven’t you ever wanted to shout, “Have you forgotten what the word EXPRESS means?!”

Our local Wal-Mart doesn’t even try to pretend that their express lanes are fast. They’ve installed televisions, tuned to their own Wal-Mart channel, in their express lanes to entertain you during your agonizingly long wait in their EXPRESS LANES!

But back to fast-food restaurants, McDonalds, or at least some of them, now give you the option of choosing between their regular menu and their gourmet menu, McDonalds and gourmet? Now there’s an oxymoron if ever there was one. Hey, when I go to McDonalds I’m not going there for gourmet. Heck no! I’m going there for a dripping-wet-with-grease, artery clogging, heart attack causing hamburger, with some greasy, salt-drenched fries. If I want gourmet I’ll go to a gourmet restaurant, thank you very much.

There are other oxymorons in life. There’s Army intelligence (Kidding, folks; it’s just a joke. I actually do support and respect the men and women of our armed services), jumbo shrimp that so many of us love to eat, and the Little Giant ladder, just to name a few.

A bill board I saw the other day provided me with a disgusting sort of irony. Since bill boards are a part of life I think it qualifies as an example of an irony of life. While driving home from my brother’s, I found it ironic that a local Harley Davidson dealership put on their marquee, “Don’t be a gas hole. Buy a Harley,” since that dealership is just a quarter mile or so up, and on the same side of, the interstate from the Holy Land Experience theme park.

With that I think this oxymoron will bid you adieu.