Slob Olympics II

Ahhhhh, the Summer Olympic Games start this week. For many of us, the games provide an exciting diversion from our otherwise dreary, uneventful lives.

But as much as I enjoy them, I'd rather see an Olympic tournament the average person could not only relate to but could participate in, something along the lines of the Slob Olympics. That would be an Olympics I could really excel in, might even bring home the gold as they say.

So, let the games begin!

One of the first contests to be held at the Slob Olympics will be the Undergarment Marathon, a competition inspired by men (and some women) around the world, who hate doing laundry and often wear the same dirty clothing for days, if not weeks at a time.

The contestants competing in the Slob Olympic version of this game have just one goal: wear one set of underwear longer than their opponents--bonus points will be given for wearing the one set of under-drawers the duration of the Games.

If a tie should occur there would, of course, be a simple tie breaker--if one’s underwear is crusty enough to stand on its own, that’s your winner.

Now, if more than one pair of undies can stand on its own then the 2nd tie breaker will be the sniff test; the underpants with the most rotten smell takes home the gold.

Another popular game to be played at the Slob Games will be the Flat Surface Fandango. This game is similar to the home version.

The object of this event is, in the time allotted, to pile as much stuff as possible (papers, pens, pencils, crayons, scissors, books, check stubs, hats, paper clips, etc) on an end table without any of it falling to the floor. Points will be deducted if that happens. Of course, he who builds the highest pile wins. It’ll be a pretty straightforward game but will be fun to watch, don’t you think?

A competition new to the Games this year will be the Dreaded Toilet Paper Limbo. There will be several stages and scoring components to this particular contest. Here’s how it will work.

Contestants will be given a whole of bottle of castor oil to drink. Anybody who’s ever had the “remedy” knows just how wonderful it tastes. So, contestants gain points not only for the speed at which they chug-a-lug this awful stuff down, but also for the faces and sounds they make while doing it. Obviously, the most grotesque face and sound a contestant makes the more points earned.

The next stage of this game will begin when the castor oil actually kicks in. As the pressure and gurgling builds in the stomachs of each contestant, and they begin to bloat like a bovine loose in an alfalfa field, points will be given for the length of time each can hold out from making a mad dash to the bathroom. That mad dash will also be timed and points given accordingly.

Once the contestants reach their respective commodes a surprise awaits them—an empty toilet paper roll. And thus the 3rd stage of the Dreaded Toilet Paper Limbo begins. The keys for scoring points in this stage will be ingenuity and creativity.

Typical house-hold bathroom items will be scattered about each room. Contestants will be free to use any or all items in the room to rescue themselves from their situation. The most original and creative use of these items will earn the most points.

Needless to say, the contestant with the most experience of being stranded on the commode with an empty toilet paper roll, and no one around to help, will have a huge advantage over the others.

Another exciting contest will be the Over-Looking-A-Much-Needed-Object game. This will be an exciting contest of teams consisting of athletes and their mothers.

Each athlete will be given a container of miscellaneous items, items similar to the articles used in the Flat Surface Fandango, to scatter about the house. After scattering the contents, the athletes will then holler to their mothers ("Maaaaaauuum, have you seen my notebook? Or, "Mother, what did YOU do with my socks?") for help in finding one of said items.

Once that helpless, pathetic holler is made, the mother of the athlete will have 45 seconds to locate the particular item her son or daughter can't find. Since the contestants' moms have been in training all of their children's lives, and since most of the items that are lost are actually in plain sight, most mothers will finish their task before the allotted time runs out.

It goes without saying the mother with the fastest time in finding the lost object will win the most points. But points will also be given for the best holler: woeful tone of hopelessness, projection, quality of whining, originality of one's holler, etcetera. So there will be opportunity to make up points in one section of the contest if one scored low in the other part.

The final example of the type of games that will be played in the Slob Olympics is the Greasy Grime Cook Off. This is a simple contest consisting of a portable electric grill set on a kitchen counter and an infinite amount of raw, non-lean hamburger.

The object for each contestant will be to build as much grease on the kitchen counter as possible by frying hamburger patties on the open grill. The thicker the grease buildup the more points a contestant will receive.

A grease fire, of course, earns bonus points. Bonus points (and free medical treatment) will also be given to any contestant who tries to squelch said grease fire with water. Burns will be awarded points according to their severity.

So, there you have it, a few examples of the games that will be played in the Slob Olympics. And just in case my dream of these games comes true, I'd better start practicing for the event I most excel in, The Bathtub Bravado. I'll leave it up to your imaginations as to what that will involve.