Tis the Season

It’s election season again and it seems that during the presidential election people are just chock full of ideas of what they would do to improve this country if they were president. I’ve yet to hear, though, any ideas that are sensible, ideas that would really make life better for the poor, downtrodden, the masses yearning to improve their status in life.

So, I took some time (about 3 or 4 seconds) to ponder the question, “what would I do if I were president to improve life for the general masses?” The following is what I came up with.

· Government negotiators would bring together the manufacturers of hotdogs and hotdog buns and help them hammer out an agreement to pack the same amount of buns as there are dogs in their respective packages. Why can't those people get that right?

· Ties would definitely be outlawed. Personally, I believe ties were invented by women to pay men back for inventing the brassiere.

· Sleazy talk shows on television would be banned.

· Public transit would have to quit asking for “exact change.” If they want me to give them exact change then they should take me exactly where I want to go!
· Stores wouldn’t be allowed to advertise or display Christmas paraphernalia until after Thanksgiving.

· Calling Thanksgiving “Turkey Day” would be a federal offense. Man that just bugs the heck out of me when people, especially those in the media who are trying to chum up to us, do that! Of course, there should be a penalty for violating this law. Maybe the guilty party (or parties) should have to lick a huge castor oil sucker until it’s all gone. Naw, that sentence is too light.

· It would be lawful for a patient to bill a doctor for lost time at work if the doctor is late for the patient’s appointment. Hey, if we’re late the doc reserves the right to refuse to see us but yet bill us for the missed appointment. Turn about is fair play, isn’t it?

· Personal hygiene commercials, E.D. commercials, and sleazy talk shows would all be banned.

· Personalized license plates would have to be decipherable. I wouldn’t be surprised if most car accidents are caused from people trying to decode personalized tags when they should be watching the road.

· Hanging up the phone without saying a word when you get someone’s voicemail would carry a stiff penalty—I think a 10 year sentence of having to spend 8 hours, every day, watching the first O.J. Simpson trial over and over would be appropriate.

· It would be law that mayonnaise jars would be made so you could easily get the last of the mayonnaise out of them.

· Childproof lids would be relabeled for what they really are, ADULTPROOF!

· I would make it a felony to wear spandex. I hate that material. I don’t care who you are—Miss America, Mr. Universe, it doesn't matter—you put on spandex and you’ll ugly yourself up in 30 seconds flat!

These are just a few of the changes I’d make in America if I were president. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to draw some pretty pictures with my crayons on the padded wall of my cell before my doctor stops by.