Cut the Cliches Already!

Ah, we are well into one of my favorite times of the year. No, not the holiday season, FOOTBALL SEASON! Now, there are three subjects I rarely write about: sports, politics, and sex. It's not because I don't like those three subjects (heck, I've played and coached sports, I vote, and the third subject, well, that's none of your business). Still, I don't write much about them because I sometimes confuse the three--now that I think on it, that confusion could be part of the reason I am divorced, but we're getting off track here.

Yes, I love football as much as the next guy, and I feel a bit of a let down at season's end. But there is a bright spot when that time rolls around; I no longer have to listen to the insipid football cliches uttered by sports commentators. I mean, come on, by the end of the season I'm ready to puncture every football in the sporting goods section of every Wal-Mart in town! Obviously, these goonbaw announcers haven't figured out how weary their tired, old football vernacular has become over the years.

So, what follows are a few examples of some of the more hideously, redundant cliches that we are stuck listening to, that is unless you like watching football in closed captioning.

* "Now there's a player!" You think? Could be that's why the dude being referred to as a player is wearing a uniform, is on the field playing, and has a house full of trophies that represent all of his great achievements in the sport.

* Then there's the cliche used to describe a kicker who can kick the ball a fair distance, "He's got plenty of leg!" Does this mean the kicker has just one leg but it's size is huge? Or maybe it means one of his legs is bigger than the other. Perhaps the commentator is referring to his son who grabbed a piece of chicken at dinner the night before.

* "Now there's a player with the whole package." You know, I've yet to find said player who has entered the field with a package, whole or otherwise. Since we're discussing the whole package, a whole package of what? And is that as opposed to a half of a package? And what's in the package that's so important the player feels the need to bring it with him onto the football field?Inquiring minds want to know.

* "And from there he'll try to punch it in." This sounds more like a new sport which combines boxing and football. Would that new game be called foxing or bootball? Of course the commentator could be referring to one of the grounds crew as he inserted his time card into the "clock" before leaving.

* When speaking of a team's ability to stop the run we often here the announcers say, "yeah, they'll sure flatten your tires." This sounds more like the description of a gang of juvenile delinquents than it does a football game.

* "I'll tell yuh what (the favorite four words of all sports commentators are I'll tell yuh what), that kid's got heart!" Now, I'm now Einstein, and I know everyone reading this is thinking, "Naw," but I'd venture to say that if the kid didn't have heart he wouldn't be on the football field. No, he'd be lying in a cemetery somewhere.

Yes, if one wishes to watch football on T.V., there's no way to avoid the cliches often used by sportscasters. All one can do is grit one's teeth and hope they take a speech class or two in the near future.

As for me, I'm going to watch Monday Night Football. The Indianapolis Colts are playing the Pittsburgh Steelers. I'll tell yuh what, those are two teams that have heart and can flatten your tires.